COVID-19 America has realigned itself into a two-part caste system, one made up of the essential hero, and the other comprised of the selfish, nonessential coward.  Essential heroes, like those who work in grocery stores, hospitals, Walmarts, and deliver for Amazon, are deserving of our admiration and praise.  They risk their lives every day so we can have food, medical care, Egyptian bath towels, and cute panda knickknacks.  And by “risk their lives,” I mean that if they are under the age of 60 and do not have an underlying medical condition, they may get a dry cough, runny nose, body aches, and be in bed for a week or so.  

My wife is one of these essential workers.  She’s a clinician at a small hospital in Philadelphia, where dozens of people have tested positive for COVID-19.  In the middle of April she too tested positive, and subsequently gave the virus to me.  Luckily, our symptoms were minor (she had a dry cough for a day, and I had lethargy and body aches for about a week), and we quickly recovered.  When my wife returned to work after her 14-day quarantine, there was a big sign on the front lawn that read, Heroes Work Here.  Although she was completely recovered and COVID-free, she still had to take a deep breath to keep from vomiting.  

My wife was given special papers from her job to show she’s an essential worker, just in case she was out driving around and a cop pulled her over and demanded to know why she was on the road.  I kid you not.  When she showed me the letter I immediately thought of the movie Schindler’s List, where the one-armed man personally thanks Schindler for giving him a job as a machine operator.  “Thank you for giving me the opportunity to work,” he says, shaking Schindler’s hand. “The SS beat me up.  They would have killed me, but I’m essential to the war effort.”  

Not that police are pulling people over for being out on the roads in Philadelphia. These hard-working individuals indeed have bigger fish to fry.  But the fact that my wife is a healthcare worker does get her free coffee at Wawa, and a free “Thank You Meal” at McDonalds.  That’s one of the perks of being an essential worker and being part of the hero class.  You not only get free coffee and hamburgers, but you also have living-room concerts performed for you by Elton John.  Oh, and you get access to cool things like your paycheck and health insurance, too. 

Not everybody is an essential worker, of course.  Not everybody is worthy of keeping their job and livelihood, their salary and benefits, their ability to provide for their family.  Many people in America -- some 36 million and counting -- are nonessential workers.  And these people -- just let me tell you -- the nerve of them.  They actually want to count too!  They actually want to be able to make a living?  Ha!  That’s funny.  Our government, and all of our really smart scientists like Dr. Fauci, have already been through this a hundred times.  Nonessential workers, and their means of making a living, are not important or “safe.”  Their businesses, churches, goods and services, don’t count.  Their physical and mental well-being, and that of their loved ones, must be sacrificed to allow the real heroes to carry on being heroes, and doing the difficult work of getting paid and supporting their families.  It’s already been decided by the governors, like Gretchen Whitmer, and Gavin Newsom, and Tom Wolf, and Tony Evers.

It doesn’t matter if you spent your whole life building your business.  Didn’t you get the memo?  You’re nonessential.  Stay inside with your mask on and keep your mouth shut.  We need to keep our real heroes safe.  Like the Twitter employees who can now work from home forever, and the Facebook fact checkers who risk their lives every day from their basement to censor information they find politically inconvenient, and the Walmart and Amazon people who supply all the really cool gadgets and entertainment stuff.  These are the people who really count.  These and all the brave politicians burning the midnight oil dreaming up new restrictions to violate our constitutional rights, or drafting policies to ensure the deaths of thousands of seniors in retirement homes.  It’s these essential folks who deserve to get a regular paycheck.  But you?  Fuhgeddaboudit.  

All you fake workers out there trying to survive and support your loved ones, just crawl back into your holes and stop being so selfish.  Stop being so irresponsible.  You don’t know about science, or about the dangers of buying seeds and paint, or about the war we’re fighting with this invisible enemy called COVID-19.  Trying to hold a job during this time is selfish and cowardly, just ask Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf, who’s a true hero.  According to Penn Live:

Gov. Tom Wolf called out the Pennsylvania counties who declared they are moving to the yellow phase on their own, saying that funding will be withheld from these counties that don’t comply.

“They need to understand the consequences of their cowardly act,” Wolf said of the county commissioners who had declared they will reopen. “They are engaging in behavior that is both selfish and unsafe,” he added.

Wolf is so caring and smart, and knows the difference between someone who’s essential and has the right to support his family, and someone who doesn’t.  Wolf is a brave leader, and will crush any nonessential miscreant by threatening to withhold CARES Act funding from any business that dares try to reopen without his approval, even if they do so safely.  He’ll also pull their health and liquor licenses, just for good measure, just in case they thought they could try to support their family without his approval.  Wolf’s a great man, with a wise and noble administration.  His Health Secretary, Dr. Rachel Levine (who was born Richard Levine), recently removed her 95-year-old mother from a nursing home amid a statewide coronavirus outbreak, despite the fact she supported a policy that forced care facilities to accept COVID-positive patients, resulting in the deaths of hundreds of seniors.  That was a wise decision, though.  It was equitable.  If one elderly person must suffer and die from COVID-19, all elderly people must suffer and die.  That’s collectivism at its core.  That’s the Democrat party way.

As long as they are nonessential elderly, that is.  Which Levine’s mother certainly wasn’t.

Kudos also goes out to Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti, the very wise and noble ruler who vowed to put those struggling citizens whose businesses were deemed “nonessential” in their place by cutting off their water and power.  Way back in March, when there was still some life left in these rabble rousers, Garcetti knew he had to drop the hammer.  According to a March 25^th article in the Los Angeles Times, “Garcetti said his office was still receiving daily reports of nonessential businesses that continued to operate as normal -- behavior he called ‘irresponsible and selfish.’”

I mean, come on, people.  Do these nonessential clowns really think they matter?  Do they really think they are important enough to expect to get paid and support their families?  Please.  They need to get over themselves.  They are not essential and not America’s heroes -- and will never be worthy of making a living, or of receiving free hamburgers at McDonalds.