"Patients... Consume [Heavy Water] Daily to Heal Their Diseases...." From an interview with the deputy director of the Iranian Atomic Energy Organization, Mohammad Sa'idi. (Iranian News Channel (IRINN) on August 27, 2006. Translated by MEMRI

Mohammad Sa'idi: "There is no connection whatsoever between heavy water and plutonium. As I have said, the nuclear industry can be used for diverse purposes."

Interviewer: "You just said that in some cases, heavy water can even be used for drinking."
  
Mohammad Sa'idi: "Yes."
  
Interviewer: "Could you elaborate on this?"
  
Mohammad Sa'idi: "One of the products of heavy water is depleted deuterium. As you know, in an environment with depleted deuterium, the reception of cancer cells and of the AIDS viruses is disrupted. Since this reception is disrupted, the cells are gradually expelled from the body. Obviously, one glass of depleted deuterium will not expel or cure the cancer or eliminate the AIDS. We are talking about a certain period of time. In many countries that deal with these diseases, patients use this kind of water instead of regular water, and consume it daily in order to heal their diseases."

(Video clip)

Oddly enough, Dr. Sa'idi's discovery about the healing properties of heavy water recalls a famous Flanders & Swann song from long ago, called "Have some Deuterium, m'Dear." Or something close to that, anyway.

You have to imagine this one sung by an old—time music hall trouper like Maurice Chevalier,  singing and dancing with his straw hat and white walking stick, to the sounds of a tinkietonk piano. Come to think of it, just imagine a madly grinning  Mahmoud Ahmadinejad doin' a little soft shoe with Ayatollah Rafsanjani, like Laurel and Hardy.

It is, of course, a song of seduction. Here it is, slightly adapted to our time.

TITLE: Have Some Deuterium, m'Dear

Authors: Flanders and Swann

She was young, she was pure,

she was new, she was nice

She was fair, she was sweet seventeen

He was old, he was vile,

and no stranger to vice

He was base, he was bad, he was mean

He had slyly inveigled her up to his flat

To view his collection of stamps

And he said as he hastened

to put out the cat

The wine, his cigar and the lamps:

 

Chorus (Everybody!)

Have some Deuterium, m'dear!

You really have nothing to fear

'm not trying to tempt you,

that wouldn't be right

You shouldn't drink spirits this time of the night

 

Have some Deuterium, m'dear,

It's really much nicer than beer

I don't care for sherry,

one cannot drink stout

And port is a wine I can well do without

It's simply a case of chacun a son gout!

Have some Deuterium, m'dear!

 

Mahmoud:

Unaware of the wiles of the snake—in—the—grass

And the fate of the maiden who topes

She lowered her standards by raising her glass

Her courage, her eyes and his hopes

 

She sipped it, she drank it, she drained it, she did

He promptly refilled it again

And he said

as he secretly carved one more notch

On the butt of his gold—headed cane:

 

Chorus: (Everybody!)

Have some Deuterium, m'dear!

I've got a small cask of it here

And once it's been opened,

you know it won't keep

Do finish it up,

it will help you to sleep

Have some Deuterium, m'dear!

it's really an excellent year

 

Now if it were gin, you'd be wrong to say 'Yes'

The evil gin does would be hard to assess

(Besides, it's inclined to affect me prowess)

Have some Deuterium, m'dear!

 

Then there flashed through her mind

what her mother had said

With her antepenultimate breath

"Oh my child,

should you look on the wine that is red

Be prepared for a fate worse than death!"

 

She let go her glass

with a shrill little cry

Crash! tinkle! it fell to the floor

When he asked, "What in Heaven?"

she made no reply

Up her mind, and a dash for the door!

 

Have some Deuterium, m'dear!

rang out down the hall loud and clear

A tremulous cry

that was filled with despair

As she fought to take breath

in the cool midnight air

 

Have some Deuterium, m'dear!

The words seemed to ring in her ear

Until the next morning,

she woke up in bed

With a smile on her lips

and an ache in her head

And a beard in her ear—'ole

that tickled and said

 

(Everybody!)

Have some Deuterium, m'dear!

Bottoms up, Infidels!

James Lewis   9 03 06