I cannot bear my shame alone. I must confess: I am afraid of Barack Obama because he is black.

I owe this realization to Chris Matthews, MSNBC's bold exemplar of liberal color-fixation. During the March 6th edition of "Hardball" he stated:

"I look at Obama as the perfect American... I don't know what [right wingers] have to be afraid of him for, except he's black."

Thank you, Mr. Matthews, for revealing to me that I am actually fearful of our president's skin color.

I don't know why I hadn't realized this before. Until now, I had believed that I have subjected Mr. Obama to the same standards of judgment I've applied to other presidents. I had believed that I have been critical of Mr. Obama for substantive reasons, such as infidelity to the Constitution, bad policies, screwed-up values, and rude and arrogant behavior unbefitting a U.S. president.

Yet, according to Chris Matthews, it's all really just about my fear of color. And now that the "Hardball" host has pointed out that I am afraid of the president because he is black, I suddenly realize that a lot of black things give me the willies, too:

● the eyes of a particular variety of pea
● nearly half of all the keys on a piano
● the inside of a shoe box with the lid on. (I can't fit inside but I still know what it's like in there).
● certain marbles and bowling balls
● Zeppelin, our miniature schnauzer (although I do like his belly and butt, because they're white)
● some Florsheim wingtips
● the Batmobile
● Steven Seagal's t-shirt

On the other hand, here are a few things that do not give me the creeps:

● snowmen
● foam peanuts
● the Popemobile
● ping pong balls
● old movies that aren't in color. (The white part. Not the black part.)
● Janet Leigh's bra in Psycho. (The white one. Not the black one.)
● lane separation stripes in the road
● your average bride

I'm sensing a real pattern here, and I have the "Hardball" host to thank for my enlightenment. You, reader, may feel the same way. We right-wingers with obvious color hangups should eagerly await Chris Matthews' forthcoming revelations regarding conservative attitudes toward colors other than black. I don't know about you, but I'm just dying to hear his insights concerning fuchsia, lime green, and cobalt.

Heck, I'll bet the guy could devote an entire week to plaids.

Robert Babcock writes from Lawrence, Kansas, where he ventures now and then to wrestle a few words into pleasant coherence. His email address is normandie@sunflower.com.