Recently, after reading about Christine Blasey Ford's alleged sexual assault by Brett Kavanaugh, I have recovered some memories of my own.  I had to do it without the help of Democrat activist lawyers, but that makes the memories no less valid.

At some point in the past fifty years, I was rape-groomed and sexually assaulted by all of the currently elected Democratic senators.  Yes, all of them, including the women.  I can't remember exactly where or when.  I didn't tell anyone because I feared retaliation.  But you have to believe survivors, and I self-identify as a survivor, so quid est demonstrandum.

It didn't all happen on one night.  That would be unbelievable.  But it repeated at every party, with different Democratic future senators.  I'm told there were lines outside the bedroom door, though I don't actually recall a bedroom, much less a door.  I was pretty drunk, maybe because they rufied me at those unchaperoned parties.  Back then, everyone was pretty drunk, so it's understandable if there were no witnesses.

I didn't quit attending these parties or getting drunk when I arrived.  After all, no one is responsible for choosing whether or not to get drunk at a party when there are no parents around to interfere with whatever happens.  And hey, free booze!  I'm only human.  But it was still deeply traumatizing, which is why I've never remembered it before, and that's why I never spoke of it.

Under the circumstances, I think it's only reasonable for the Democrats of the Senate to resign.  And not just the ones on the Judiciary Committee.  They all participated – at least that's how my recovered memories go, so they must all resign.

I would be happy to testify before the Judiciary Committee, but only when there are no Democrats in the room, and definitely not under oath.  I shouldn't have to face their evil, threatening looks.  And I insist that the committee provide me a therapy unicorn, in case the stress gets to be too much.

I'm not unreasonable.  If they won't resign, then I will accept instead an act of penitence – specifically, their vote to confirm Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court.  I expect they will find this more appealing than resigning their lucrative seats of power.

Are you sick and tired of unsubstantiated charges against Kavanaugh?  Well, #MeToo.  If all charges from a woman must be heard and investigated, regardless of the lack of details, then let's insist they honor mine, because #ImASurvivor, and #WeBelieveSurvivors.  Right?

(For those who are challenged in the "satire detection" field, the preceding was satire.  Democrats have only virtually raped the country.  So far.)