I have decided on the perfect Halloween costume this year. I will greet trick or treaters at the door disguised as myself.

I will wear my best white man's suit (Brooks Brothers), my perfect white man's shoes (Florsheim), my race-appropriate tie (Armani), and a shamrock in my lapel because, by God, I'm Irish and no cultural appropriation fascist can take that away from me!

Or maybe they can. I am not "authentic" Irish. I wasn't born and raised in Ireland. I don't live there. So, not wanting to offend anyone, perhaps the virtue signalling, social justice Nazis can suggest an "appropriate" costume for an aging, curmudgeonly white American male?

I'm missing the point. "Cultural appropriation" has no set definition. It's whatever the cultural appropriators want or need it to be. Because it's not about sparing the feelings of people from different cultures - not even remotely. This is about power and the exercise thereof. 

Every Halloween we hear horror stories about white people dressing up in an "inappropriate" costume. To be sure, there are definitely costumes that fit that definition. It is inappropriate to dress up as a Klu Klux Klansman. It is inappropriate to wear blackface (unless you're going as Bing Crosby from the film "Holiday Inn"). It may be inappropriate to wear an orthodox rabbi costume - beard and all - unless you happen to be, well, an orthodox Jew.

But woe betide the luckless Halloween celebrant if you wear a costume portraying another race, or one of the protected ethnicities. A white guy wearing a Pancho Villa costume is out. A white little girl wearing a Pochahontas costume would be harassed and villified to the point where she's sent home in tears because wearing a costume representing a person she admires from history is "cultural appropriation."

Jonathan Turley:

There are clearly racist costumes that most of us join in denouncing, such as blackface or other raw portrayals. However, the cultural appropriation movement opposes any depiction of another culture. Indeed, what constitutes a social norm can be hard to discern. A New York Times column gave a tortured account of whether parents could allow their children to dress as Black Panther. The article included advice on sitting down with kids to discuss racial implications of their choices and, as Texas Woman’s University professor Brigitte Vittrup warned, “by not mentioning it, by not talking about it, we’re essentially preserving the status quo.”

An article by Sachi Feris explored her struggle with her young daughter who wanted to dress like Moana or Elsa last year. She wrote, “I had some reservations regarding both costume choices” and about cultural appropriation, noting the “power” and “privilege” carried by “whiteness” and the standards of beauty that go along with it. Elsa did not reflect cultural appropriation but rather discomfort over how her character “sends the message that you have to be a certain way” to look “beautiful” or to be a “princess” and that you have to have blonde hair and blue eyes. Feris disliked the message. Moana was portrayed as a perfect nightmare for a white girl to adopt, since she told her daughter she is white like Elsa. She instead encouraged her daughter to be Mickey Mouse because she this way would not be “making fun of anyone or dressing up as a culture different from our own because Mickey Mouse is a pretend mouse!”

Why take all the fun out of Halloween? First and foremost, liberals, in general, are humorless twits who think that life and the world around them are far too serious to crack a smile over. These are desperately unhappy, unfulfilled people who make those around them unhappy and unfulfilled. The only time they're happy is when they can confirm their own moral superiority to themselves by calling out their neighbor - or, more satisfyingly, total strangers - over some imagined or perceived violation of an ever-burgeoning rulebook that is constantly expanding in order to govern human behavior in the most minute fashion.

Nothing is off limits. Want to dress up as a witch for Halloween? There's a rule for that:

Faith Moore:

4. From Jeffrey Browitt, associate professor in Latin American studies at the University of Technology Sydney: “The best rule of thumb is to play it safe, dress up as a witch or a goblin and leave the ethnic costumes to one side.”

I don’t know about this one. Perhaps Professor Browitt wasn’t aware of the totally legitimate and not at all laughable allegations of cultural appropriation from the witch community who feel that people are using witch culture for their own gains. Goblins, presumably, feel the same. As does Dracula, the Wolfman, the Mummy, and The Creature from the Black Lagoon. To be safe, it’s best not to dress as anything other than who you actually are. So, basically, no costumes at all. And probably no candy either unless it’s the same color you are. Because color is way more important than character... or, maybe I’ve got that backwards.

I gave up long ago walking on eggshells around these people, trying not to offend anyone. Life's too short to live it under stress like that. So I say what I want, write what I want, and let the cultural appropriation Nazis howl. 

I may be an offensive cuss. But I'm a happy offensive cuss.