Poor Joe Biden.  The man's been a square peg trying to fit into round holes his entire life.  He keeps coming up short and never understands why.  Then he gathers himself up again, tries again, and falls short again.

Cruel observers once called old Joe "Plugs" for the hair plugs he had installed up top when nature over-culled his locks.  He went around all unawares, looking like a freshly sown field of tomato plants, convinced the world was impressed.  It was, but not the way Joe expected.  In the Senate cloakroom, they took turns playing lookout while the rest guffawed as Joe sauntered by, just sure he was the toast of the town.

When Barack Obama settled on Joe to be his veep, Joe took it as appreciation for long years of Stakhanovite labor in service to the party.  Actually, Barama needed a happy medium between some idiot feminist and a communist jackass, somebody who sort of knew his way around Washington but who didn't have a following of his own that would make Obama look even more clueless than he already did.  And there stood Joe, hat in hand, just begging to be harnessed, braying all the right platitudes out one end and dumping donkey apples out the other.

To prepare for his new assignment, old Joe figured he needed to spruce up his appearance.  After all, his principal was already famous for the crease of his pants, and it wouldn't do to look like some hayseed in overalls standing by that smart, clean young feller with steel in his spine.  Off to the dentist, then, for a full set of shiny new choppers.  These would come in handy four years later on teevee against Romney's veep candidate, who cleaned Joe's clock, though nobody today even remembers the guy's name.

Meanwhile Joe Biden's still hanging around, though he's about run out his string.  But he's been pushing and straining for so long that he just can't give it up.  For the good of the country, he's gonna give it one more go, his third try for the brass ring in, what, the last hundred years?  Delaware, America, and the world watch skeptically as the old war horse polishes his teeth, fixes his hairnet in place, and checks his creases.

Joe Biden for president.  Only in America.